Sometimes I do remember you. Once in a blue moon. All the memories surge forth like yesterday, like I can see the two people in love. As I remember, the eyes get heavy but dry without a drop rolling down. As the night sky blooms with fire, I love the dark days painted in dark blue, wrapped in red velvet.. the memories burn in midnight blue. Spread those wings and fly free with the wind. Like a stab, like a wound. Years gone but I was never able to forgive you. It hurts but its true. You never loved me, maybe I did not too. You were not man enough for me. Maybe all are same and you were just an illusion I painted in my mind. Now, the eyes in the painting stare back at me and they look no longer familiar to me. Through the midnight blues and the restless night, all the memories surge forth and I find my heart here with me happy without you. I loved you then. I don’t know you now. I could never forgive the one I once loved.
Sleepless night, painful memory and eyes full of tears is what I got from so called “love of my life.” Yep, like everybody said I am really crazy. I don’t know why they think I am crazy but now as I reconcile myself, my problem is I think from my heart not from my mind. I take everything emotionally not logically. When I was a little kid my grandma used to tell me fairy tales where good fights evil and saves the day. And everybody lives happily ever after. What it seems might not always be true but a decision made from one’s heart is always right – that’s what I learned and how I felt. But my heart was so wrong. I never tried to be a hero who saves a day but I wanted to be a good person. I always listened to my heart. I put the logical explanation about life on the side and followed my heart blindly. Loved her with the fullest capability of my heart and soul. But I was the only one who thought that way. Everybody else takes thing logically but not emotionally. Each and every turn of my life made a fool of myself but I still had a hope my heart cannot be wrong. She taught me a lesson – my heart is really a fool and I am the biggest fool. Let’s put it this way, everyone is good inside until the situation makes them evil. I was evil from the bottom of my heart. Purity and sanity was nowhere close to me.
Year 2007, clouds of pain was looming in the sky and a shadow of sadness was flickering all around me when she came into my life. With a smile she sparked my life and with a glance, showed me a way. Her eyes so pure, her voice so melodious everything about her was so unique I felt as though I was lost in a sea of passion that no man had ever felt before. I don’t know what it was but I was in love with her at the first sight. I felt like our souls are a perfect match from the start.
Year 2012, It was so easy for her to say “now that all has been said and done and moved and trashed and dry-cleaned …” wish I could say that too. Today here I stand alone, tears flowing down because I know you are out of reach and no longer here with me. This pain I hide is too much to bare, I always wanted us to be together but seems like someone jinxed our happiness and left us apart from each other.
You asked me what did I did after you left me? What did I thought when you called me that night? I will tell you what I did and how I felt. I cried, I cried my heart out. Cried so loud my soul went deaf. Someone died that day. I tried to keep it alive but my best effort was not best enough. I had a hope, once I was able to resurrect what had died but that day I was not able to do that. Ticket on my hand waited at the airport for hours for the boarding time. So that I could go and see her. Someone had told me ” if I could just see you everything will be alright, if I’d see you the darkness will turn to light.” Not this time. Only thing I could hear was, “I found happiness in someone else.” Finally it was the boarding time but I couldn’t get on my feet all I could think was even if I go there I won’t be able to find her. I will find someone else on someone else’s arms. I couldn’t hurt her neither I could control my emotions. And I don’t want to steal her happiness from her. I was trying to hold onto something I don’t deserve. All my dreams and desire, I burned in my chest.
I got married with her on April 1st of 2011, the biggest prank she pulled on me. Ever since that day till this date I still think about her as my wife. But what she is now she is not my wife. She is someone else’s happiness. She told me invite me in your wedding. I am already married with you. Now what happens to me and my body, doesn’t matter anymore. With my dreams and desire I burned my soul that day.
As the colors change from green to different shades of yellow and reds, nature prepares itself for a chilly winter. Change is certain and may not always be pleasant.
I am happy with my present. What scares me is the uncertainty of tomorrow – the change. Right now, this moment may not be perfect, but I don’t want it to change. It sounds silly. But, can I stop the moment when I am lying in his arms and there’s no where I’d rather be? Every moment when I can see my parents’ smile through the laptop, the moment when my best friend told me she got pregnant, the moment when I finally get to see my fiancé after a week.. can I not change them? I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I’m too scared to let today go.
Time is ticking. It feels yesterday when I had a huge party at home for my 12th birthday. I was over the moon and felt like a grown up. It has actually now been a few months I have landed on my 30’s. Time- is slipping. My parents are aging. As I see the wrinkles in their face, I don’t want to think of tomorrow. No. I don’t want things to change. Soon, I will wake up and realize I turned 80 and the world might be totally a new one – I don’t know for good or worse. Time, can I just stay?
It was weird. I was standing there after three years and still, those flashbacks surged forth so clearly as if they were yesterdays. It was weird as I had already closed the chapter. I had read somewhere that you can not finish a book if you keep going back to read the same chapter.
I no longer feel upset about the bygones. The past is there but the present is too beautiful to think about what-ifs and how-nots. However, it was weird in a sense that my heart suddenly felt slight heavy when I reached the place where me and my ex had visited before. It was a place where I was over the moon once. Then, I looked at the love of my life.. my present and my future, the one who makes me happy and the one who makes me angry, the one who hugs me tight and I just melt in his arms. He understands my incomplete sentence just after the first few words .. He completes me. He takes me over the moon but I know he will be there to hold my hand when we walk down on the land.
As he held my hand, I just realized how lucky I am to be where I am and to be in love with my best friend. Love is not all about just promises, love is taking the journey together. Falling in love is easy, being in love is fun and adventurous. He surprised me with a gorgeous dazzling ring two weeks ago at Martha’s Vineyard. It was perfect, perfect ring, perfect size, perfect hill and sunshine. It looked amazing in my little hand. I did not see it coming and as he stood on his knees with the ring, I was there ready to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.
And I wish life tasted like bacon and smelt like DnG blue.
2 glasses of cheap Merlot wine and I feel tipsy. I wish there was no tomorrow and I could rewind back to my sweet sorrow…
For life as it seems, mind wild and free..
Tender as it can be, heart a deep blue sea.
I thought about today
And thought about my promise.
I held my heart tight
O’ life! Such a misery!
Just found a note I wrote 5 years ago on what I want to do in next 5 years. I smiled to myself. Where did the time fly? I sighed. I need to make a fresh list.
A good piece…
Shared by veronicalangley
Cara fluttered her eyes open and was blinded by sunlight. Not wanting to acknowledge the morning, she quickly buried her face in John’s shoulder. John yawned himself awake and turned toward her, pulling her body into his with affection.
She wrapped one arm around his torso and the other she curled across the back of his shoulder lacing her fingers into his tussled brown hair. Her hand pressing into the strength of his back, she pulled herself into him, absorbing his warmth and comfort.
John pressed his nose into her hair and inhaled her scent then kissed her crown repeatedly. Their torso’s pressed against each other and their legs entangled, John pulled the back of Cara’s shirt up and drew soft circles across her shoulder blades.
He made her so nervous, her stomach would light up with electric buzz and her finger tips tingle ever place…
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