The Next Chapter

After a few interviews and months of preparation, I finally landed on my dream job. This was exactly what I want to do and where I want to be in the next phase in my career. I have a month to leave my current company and join the new company. I keep thinking the pay is great, the company is an ideal place, the role is a level up. Then, I remember, with great position comes great responsibility and that means messed up work life balance and the sudden realization of no more being in 20s and single comes in my mind. I have a 4 year old My commute will be 2 hours per way, though it will be hybrid. My heart starts pounding as my legs start to shake in some random beat. I decided to have a call with my manager to thank her and also get to know her.

A week later, I am on a webex meeting with my manager. I am still on recovering mode from flu, yet still trying to show my proactiveness. The meeting was for half an hour but she answered my questions in literally 15 minutes. Now what? I tried to keep the conversation moving, but I realized that she is a very straightforward person and the conversation was kind of getting cold. I was hoping we would have also casual talk about interests, hobbies, family and but then wrong expectation I guess! I have to wake myself up. I am not a fresher out of college but then being in leadership role can come with some humor and easiness too. My 2 cents. There were some useful tips on various topics I can read on before I start and also expectations during the first few months. It will be a huge learning curve for me. My husband, my family and friends are all excited for my next chapter. Do not be surprised if a series of my upcoming blogs will be all whining and crying about my new job, time management, stress, etc. Well, who knows? It might be a fun rollercoaster ride. I just have to do whatever I do right now, maybe a little more here and there, maybe a little bit more from top and bottom…..until I squeeze myself into a minion! Joke! You can see how nervous I am. I bet Barack Obama was nervous too when he took on his role. Just saying!

Wish me luck. I know we are still over a month away for the end of the year, but I have already made my new year resolution. Switch off facebook and instagram, especially those videos that make you scroll and waste your time. I will keep my wordpress for my venting.

Saying Goodbye

So goodbye to yesterdays
Goodbye to all those promises we could never keep
and the plans we could never make
To the sweet sorrow and beautiful memory
To the dreams I can always hold
Goodbye to you my dear
for I can no longer hold onto
Good bye to the strong me
that I could never be.

As I scribble my thoughts and run down the memory lane
I say goodbye to all the songs we sang together
and the times when you held my hand and said you are the best
Goodbye to the friendship I would cherish
for the years we laughed, we cried, we build together
Never realised that what we build was so fragile
it can sink so easily
Never knew my heart would get tired one day
that I would be saying goodbye to you.

Venting

Life is amazing, but life can be weird and it can be a pain. You feel so blessed until you start to feel thrones prickling in each blessing. Is that how it is supposed to be? You unravel each thread and smile as if life is a bed of roses. You wake up each day as if it is a brand new day. You celebrate new year as if it is a brand new year. But hey, they lied. It is not. I have to break it to you if you are in that illusion. Yes, it is all a web of illusion.

Every person is different. Every person has their own level of patience and endurance. Every person has their own angel side and devil side. When you get married, you start to unravel those sides. There can be something you love and somethings you simply hate to stand. Probably the best kind of relationship is the one where you work out those differences and come to some kind of terms in between. What if you try and try and try and try and then it bursts. Not like a balloon, but eruption like a volcano. There is red hot lava all around and you have no idea when and how it will cool down. Who survives and whose body turns into ashes and skeleton. What about the little cookie? Do you tell her that the eruption was just a firework celebration? Does not life get complicated when you grow up?

Well, today I am angry. I am frustrated and I feel exhausted. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to work, but I felt like writing. These bunch of words might make me feel lighter. I know there are all sort of problems in the world. But for me, this is my world. This is what I feel. God, whoever you are and however you do, just show me the way to move forward and give me the courage to make things right, give me that charisma to just smile and be cool. Take away this annoyed look that I have in my face. You know I am not that kind of person who can just pretend. Bring some sunshine in my life and let me leave a normal day.

Life is indeed an illusion

Life is indeed an illusion. The word present is deceiving as it looses its meaning as it is even spelt. I feel exhausted as I fight against my self-centeredness in an attempt to be a perfect mom, a perfect wife, a perfect daughter, a perfect team member…the perfect. I feel my energy draining and my thrive to be the perfect slowing going towards that languishing zone. As I look at my daughter, I know I can not give up. As I look my parents, I feel I should not give up. As I look at my husband, I understand I must not give up. As I look at myself, I question for how much more should I give to hold on.

As I look at others, it does not look that bad. Of course, grass is greener on the other side. And, I know I am one of the privileged and blessed one in many way. Still, why does it feel like life is dragging? You try and try and try just to have one normal day. Is it me? Can someone tell me how can I make others happy? Can someone help how can I be the Mrs Perfect or close to one? My head has gone boomerang as I try to find answers. I am a failure at work and a failure at home. This tear I have tried to hold is getting heavy. This tear I can not let it go as then, I can not be a role model to my daughter. This tear I can not let it flow as then, it will prove how weak I am.

I know I can if I try and everyday I am trying. I have flaws all over, but I accept and move on. I know if I give a try, it is not the end of the world. Maybe today was bad, tomorrow may be a good fine day. Today is my ranting day.

She looked at him

She looked at the man sleeping beside her. 7 years yet he sometimes felt like a stranger. Sometimes she felt she failed to understand the father of her child.

She looked at him and wandered if she actually loved her. She can not feel him him anymore. Their daughter was the only the thing they both cared about and thought about in the long run. When she wanted to talk, there was always some more priority topic taking over, her in-laws, his work, her work and their daughter. When he showed some interest in her, she was too tired of wanting to be wanted.

They had a few troubles which were not solved, but they just skipped them. Not long enough did they realize that it did not work. She looked at this man and shed a few tears. She looked at her daughter and she felt strong. She was tired of picking the pieces everyday and put together a perfect picture of her family. She wanted to be loved again, to be held again as she forgot how it feels to be loved again. All she could feel were the cracks in her heart and her hope torn apart. A few flickering memories of love and hope were fading into dust. She wanted to leave but she looked at the most beautiful daughter in her life as she opened her eyes to call her “mamma”.

She tried to talk to him a few times and tried everything to rekindle her marriage. She looked at him but couldn’t read him. He was stone-faced. She was looking for hope in the darkness and looking for a light. She was looking for the vow he made when he married her. She could’t understand and she couldn’t let go.

She looked at the man sleeping beside her. 7 years yet he sometimes felt like a stranger.