Saying Goodbye

So goodbye to yesterdays
Goodbye to all those promises we could never keep
and the plans we could never make
To the sweet sorrow and beautiful memory
To the dreams I can always hold
Goodbye to you my dear
for I can no longer hold onto
Good bye to the strong me
that I could never be.

As I scribble my thoughts and run down the memory lane
I say goodbye to all the songs we sang together
and the times when you held my hand and said you are the best
Goodbye to the friendship I would cherish
for the years we laughed, we cried, we build together
Never realised that what we build was so fragile
it can sink so easily
Never knew my heart would get tired one day
that I would be saying goodbye to you.

Venting

Life is amazing, but life can be weird and it can be a pain. You feel so blessed until you start to feel thrones prickling in each blessing. Is that how it is supposed to be? You unravel each thread and smile as if life is a bed of roses. You wake up each day as if it is a brand new day. You celebrate new year as if it is a brand new year. But hey, they lied. It is not. I have to break it to you if you are in that illusion. Yes, it is all a web of illusion.

Every person is different. Every person has their own level of patience and endurance. Every person has their own angel side and devil side. When you get married, you start to unravel those sides. There can be something you love and somethings you simply hate to stand. Probably the best kind of relationship is the one where you work out those differences and come to some kind of terms in between. What if you try and try and try and try and then it bursts. Not like a balloon, but eruption like a volcano. There is red hot lava all around and you have no idea when and how it will cool down. Who survives and whose body turns into ashes and skeleton. What about the little cookie? Do you tell her that the eruption was just a firework celebration? Does not life get complicated when you grow up?

Well, today I am angry. I am frustrated and I feel exhausted. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to work, but I felt like writing. These bunch of words might make me feel lighter. I know there are all sort of problems in the world. But for me, this is my world. This is what I feel. God, whoever you are and however you do, just show me the way to move forward and give me the courage to make things right, give me that charisma to just smile and be cool. Take away this annoyed look that I have in my face. You know I am not that kind of person who can just pretend. Bring some sunshine in my life and let me leave a normal day.

Life is indeed an illusion

Life is indeed an illusion. The word present is deceiving as it looses its meaning as it is even spelt. I feel exhausted as I fight against my self-centeredness in an attempt to be a perfect mom, a perfect wife, a perfect daughter, a perfect team member…the perfect. I feel my energy draining and my thrive to be the perfect slowing going towards that languishing zone. As I look at my daughter, I know I can not give up. As I look my parents, I feel I should not give up. As I look at my husband, I understand I must not give up. As I look at myself, I question for how much more should I give to hold on.

As I look at others, it does not look that bad. Of course, grass is greener on the other side. And, I know I am one of the privileged and blessed one in many way. Still, why does it feel like life is dragging? You try and try and try just to have one normal day. Is it me? Can someone tell me how can I make others happy? Can someone help how can I be the Mrs Perfect or close to one? My head has gone boomerang as I try to find answers. I am a failure at work and a failure at home. This tear I have tried to hold is getting heavy. This tear I can not let it go as then, I can not be a role model to my daughter. This tear I can not let it flow as then, it will prove how weak I am.

I know I can if I try and everyday I am trying. I have flaws all over, but I accept and move on. I know if I give a try, it is not the end of the world. Maybe today was bad, tomorrow may be a good fine day. Today is my ranting day.

Strike of epiphany

I put a 30 mins in my work calendar and sat down to write my thoughts. It felt good. I remember I used to love writing and I suddenly remember I used to have a wordpress account couple of years ago. Reading my old posts felt a bit funny with a strike of epiphany through each one. Something that is constant is change and uncertainty.

My daughter is now two years old and like every mommy, I will probably be talking a lot about her. I will try not to. Priorities change through time, but it is amazing how most people can work out their way through different level of challenges thrown at them, be it at work or at home. One of the a-ha moment I learnt recently is about Imposter Syndrome. I didn’t realize that I put myself as victim under several circumstances until someone else shared their experience with me. This psychological phenomenon build a belief in you that you are not competent enough to do a job despite of your skills. Women often have to juggle between work and home, different priorities and in the puzzle of balancing it perfect, we forget to think about ourselves. We forget what we have and what we are good at. We lose our self confidence and outlook for life. I lost few good opportunities thinking I will not be able to handle it because I am a mom. Then, I see a lot of moms climbing corporate ladders at work which makes me think if they can, why not me? Of course, every situation is different, everyone has different priority. Some may have good financials and help, some may be working double extra hard to be where they are now. Some may be in worse situation than mine. Grass is always greener on the other side. 20 years down the line when my kid is grown up and independant and my husband looks at sick wrinkled lady, who will take care of me and who will I share my thoughts with? Its ‘I’. I need to take care of myself, I need to choose my friends who will be there through thick and thins, I will need to make sure I will be happy.

Midnight blues

Sometimes I do remember you.  Once in a blue moon. All the memories surge forth like yesterday, like I can see the two people in love. As I remember, the eyes get heavy but dry without a drop rolling down. As the night sky blooms with fire, I love the dark days painted in dark blue, wrapped in red velvet.. the memories burn in midnight blue. Spread those wings and fly free with the wind. Like a stab, like a wound. Years gone but I was never able to forgive you. It hurts but its true. You never loved me, maybe I did not too. You were not man enough for me. Maybe all are same and you were just an illusion I painted in my mind. Now, the eyes in the painting stare back at me and they look no longer familiar to me. Through the midnight blues and the restless night, all the memories surge forth and I find my heart here with me happy without you. I loved you then. I don’t know you now. I could never forgive the one I once loved.

Letter from the ex

Sleepless night, painful memory and eyes full of tears is what I got from so called “love of my life.” Yep, like everybody said I am really crazy. I don’t know why they think I am crazy but now as I reconcile myself, my problem is I think from my heart not from my mind. I take everything emotionally not logically. When I was a little kid my grandma used to tell me fairy tales where good fights evil and saves the day. And everybody lives happily ever after. What it seems might not always be true but a decision made from one’s heart is always right – that’s what I learned and how I felt. But my heart was so wrong. I never tried to be a hero who saves a day but I wanted to be a good person. I always listened to my heart. I put the logical explanation about life on the side and followed my heart blindly. Loved her with the fullest capability of my heart and soul. But I was the only one who thought that way. Everybody else takes thing logically but not emotionally. Each and every turn of my life made a fool of myself but I still had a hope my heart cannot be wrong. She taught me a lesson – my heart is really a fool and I am the biggest fool. Let’s put it this way, everyone is good inside until the situation makes them evil. I was evil from the bottom of my heart. Purity and sanity was nowhere close to me.
Year 2007, clouds of pain was looming in the sky and a shadow of sadness was flickering all around me when she came into my life. With a smile she sparked my life and with a glance, showed me a way. Her eyes so pure, her voice so melodious everything about her was so unique I felt as though I was lost in a sea of passion that no man had ever felt before. I don’t know what it was but I was in love with her at the first sight. I felt like our souls are a perfect match from the start.
Year 2012, It was so easy for her to say “now that all has been said and done and moved and trashed and dry-cleaned …” wish I could say that too. Today here I stand alone, tears flowing down because I know you are out of reach and no longer here with me. This pain I hide is too much to bare, I always wanted us to be together but seems like someone jinxed our happiness and left us apart from each other.
You asked me what did I did after you left me? What did I thought when you called me that night? I will tell you what I did and how I felt. I cried, I cried my heart out. Cried so loud my soul went deaf. Someone died that day. I tried to keep it alive but my best effort was not best enough. I had a hope, once I was able to resurrect what had died but that day I was not able to do that. Ticket on my hand waited at the airport for hours for the boarding time. So that I could go and see her. Someone had told me ” if I could just see you everything will be alright, if I’d see you the darkness will turn to light.” Not this time. Only thing I could hear was, “I found happiness in someone else.” Finally it was the boarding time but I couldn’t get on my feet all I could think was even if I go there I won’t be able to find her. I will find someone else on someone else’s arms. I couldn’t hurt her neither I could control my emotions. And I don’t want to steal her happiness from her. I was trying to hold onto something I don’t deserve. All my dreams and desire, I burned in my chest.
I got married with her on April 1st of 2011, the biggest prank she pulled on me. Ever since that day till this date I still think about her as my wife. But what she is now she is not my wife. She is someone else’s happiness. She told me invite me in your wedding. I am already married with you. Now what happens to me and my body, doesn’t matter anymore. With my dreams and desire I burned my soul that day.

Can I just stay?

As the colors change from green to different shades of yellow and reds, nature prepares itself for a chilly winter. Change is certain and may not always be pleasant.

I am happy with my present. What scares me is the uncertainty of tomorrow – the change. Right now, this moment may not be perfect, but I don’t want it to change. It sounds silly. But, can I stop the moment when I am lying in his arms and there’s no where I’d rather be? Every moment when I can see my parents’ smile through the laptop, the moment when my best friend told me she got pregnant, the moment when I finally get to see my fiancé after a week.. can I not change them? I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I’m too scared to let today go.

Time is ticking. It feels yesterday when I had a huge party at home for my 12th birthday. I was over the moon and felt like a grown up. It has actually now been a few months I have landed on my 30’s. Time- is slipping. My parents are aging. As I see the wrinkles in their face, I don’t want to think of tomorrow. No. I don’t want things to change. Soon, I will wake up and realize I turned 80 and the world might be totally a new one – I don’t know for good or worse. Time, can I just stay?

The promise…

It was weird. I was standing there after three years and still, those flashbacks surged forth so clearly as if they were yesterdays. It was weird as I had already closed the chapter. I had read somewhere that you can not finish a book if you keep going back to read the same chapter.

I no longer feel upset about the bygones. The past is there but the present is too beautiful to think about what-ifs and how-nots. However, it was weird in a sense that my heart suddenly felt slight heavy when I reached the place where me and my ex had visited before. It was a place where I was over the moon once. Then, I looked at the love of my life.. my present and my future, the one who makes me happy and the one who makes me angry, the one who hugs me tight and I just melt in his arms. He understands my incomplete sentence just after the first few words .. He completes me. He takes me over the moon but I know he will be there to hold my hand when we walk down on the land.

As he held my hand, I just realized how lucky I am to be where I am and to be in love with my best friend. Love is not all about just promises, love is taking the journey together. Falling in love is easy, being in love is fun and adventurous. He surprised me with a gorgeous dazzling ring two weeks ago at Martha’s Vineyard. It was perfect, perfect ring, perfect size, perfect hill and sunshine. It looked amazing in my little hand. I did not see it coming and as he stood on his knees with the ring, I was there ready to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.

She looked at him

She looked at the man sleeping beside her. 7 years yet he sometimes felt like a stranger. Sometimes she felt she failed to understand the father of her child.

She looked at him and wandered if she actually loved her. She can not feel him him anymore. Their daughter was the only the thing they both cared about and thought about in the long run. When she wanted to talk, there was always some more priority topic taking over, her in-laws, his work, her work and their daughter. When he showed some interest in her, she was too tired of wanting to be wanted.

They had a few troubles which were not solved, but they just skipped them. Not long enough did they realize that it did not work. She looked at this man and shed a few tears. She looked at her daughter and she felt strong. She was tired of picking the pieces everyday and put together a perfect picture of her family. She wanted to be loved again, to be held again as she forgot how it feels to be loved again. All she could feel were the cracks in her heart and her hope torn apart. A few flickering memories of love and hope were fading into dust. She wanted to leave but she looked at the most beautiful daughter in her life as she opened her eyes to call her “mamma”.

She tried to talk to him a few times and tried everything to rekindle her marriage. She looked at him but couldn’t read him. He was stone-faced. She was looking for hope in the darkness and looking for a light. She was looking for the vow he made when he married her. She could’t understand and she couldn’t let go.

She looked at the man sleeping beside her. 7 years yet he sometimes felt like a stranger.

O’ baby, what have you done?

Like little drops of water falling through the petals
my dreams, o’ my sweet little dreams
Was I so lost building a castle of sand
as i felt the touch of your hand
Your lips as I kissed
oh! how I miss
Felt like a bliss
Too hard to resist

You used to say
whats love without madness
and you drained me out
until I became bloodless
and all the memories just got lost in the twilight
but you kept on saying
baby..everything will be alright

Some nights are too long
staring at the dark ceiling
Oh how the memories are too many
Some days I try to act strong
as I walk through the yesterdays
and pretend that you were never there
O baby..what have you done
where have you gone

Some times are too hard
too hard to pick up the pieces
and pretend the picture is too perfect
Some music are too mellow
they seem to play every cords of the cello
some just hit the little corner of the heart
where I hid all your moments wth you
O baby..what you have you done
where have you gone
I still hear you saying
baby everything will be alright
as the memories keep fading
in the dim twilight
O baby…what have you done!